During this time, we also got pregnant and had a baby! Zachary is an awesome, almost-2-year-old. He’s full of wonder, too smart for his own good (and mine for that matter) and frankly, a handful.
We have always said we would have 2 kids, for a number of reasons. The most important to me being that I have always felt like that would feel like a complete family to me. I grew up with 3 little siblings, and while I love them all and wouldn’t change a thing, I also think that I would have a very hard time giving as much attention as I would want to 4 children. One has always felt lonely.
Now, I have to admit, I’m not so sure. Can we just have one and feel like a complete family? We do, though there has always been the expectation of another soon. Will I always want another baby? Even if I have another one, will I still always want yet another baby? I have plenty of friends who are very happy with the number of kids they have, yet still long for a newborn, and another chance to experience the magic that comes with all the ‘firsts’ of a new life.
I had a difficult postpartum period, Zachary was great and healthy, I was physically healing well.
Mentally, I was a mess. It took me almost a year to realize I was dealing with postpartum depression. I didn’t realize that spring and summer had happened and that we could venture outside until mid-June. Zero sex drive. Attending births was too scary. I couldn’t remember the last time I had belly-laughed. I started several treatment routes, and began to feel more human by September. The last 10 months have been hard, lots of uprooting and shifting ground, but I have for the most part been able to stay even-keeled and emotionally healthy.
Now, here we are, at the time when we always imagined trying for number 2, and I feel like we JUST got a hold on real life. So, do we just go for it, know it will be amazing, and life changing – again? Or, do we hold off, wait for things to settle further (will they ever settle?) and then have the conversation again? I’ll let you know where we land.